


Enough (Bridge over Troubled Water challange)

by Astrid_B_Caine



Category: Starsky & Hutch
Genre: 1970s, Alcohol, Angst with a Happy Ending, Background Helen/Dave, Bisexuality, Break Up, Canon Compliant, Challenge Response, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Explicit Language, Fear of Discovery, Feelings, Heartbreak, Lack of Communication, Literal Sleeping Together, M/M, No Smut, POV First Person, Partners to Lovers, Partnership, Past Relationship(s), Period-Typical Homophobia, Pining, Podfic Welcome, Pre-Series, Reference to Van/Hutch, Requited Love, Series, Slow Build, Song Lyrics, Tags Contain Spoilers, Training, Unrequited Love, bridge over troubled water
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-26
Updated: 2017-01-26
Packaged: 2018-09-16 22:20:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9291992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Astrid_B_Caine/pseuds/Astrid_B_Caine
Summary: Fresh out of Vietnam, Starsky meets Hutch at the Police Academy in the late 1960s, where he falls in love with the drop-dead gorgeous blond blintz.Given the times, he knows he can never tell Hutch or ever hope to have a life together, especially because he’s serious about his career in the police force. So Starsky chooses to stay silent about his feelings and to concentrate on becoming a police officer, later detective, and hopes to have Hutch as his partner for as long as possible.They’re together every single day, also through life’s ups and downs. It’s at those times when Starsky finds it the most gratifying to have Hutch as his best friend. They are each other’s Bridge over Troubled Water when times get rough. But at these times Starsky’s heart breaks a little further, knowing he can never have Hutch in the way he yearns for.Can Starsky keep his desire from Hutch, when they are so close, physically?And what does Hutch’s loving affection really mean?





	1. CHAPTER 1: Cadets

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Dawnwind’s [Bridge over Troubled Water contest](http://starskyhutch911.livejournal.com/tag/challenge%3A%20bridge%20over%20troubles%20waters). Thank you, Dawnwind, for organizing this!
> 
> Words of the _Bridge over Troubled Water_ lyrics are marked in **bold** in the story. Sorry, it's probably more words than strictly allowed, but since I'm well over the required 7000 minimum for this contest, I'm hoping I won't be disqualified, as it didn't significantly impact the word-count of my story. They just kept coming, here and there, and it brought me joy to highlight them. 
> 
> Thank you to my Beta [Onkoona](http://archiveofourown.org/users/onkoona/) for whipping my ass as usual. 
> 
> I very much enjoyed this contest. I hope you'll enjoy reading this.

Hutch was my buddy, my pal. I loved him to death. There was nothing that could ever change that.

John Colby was alright, but it was pretty clear he liked Hutch more than he cared for me. Not that I cared what the preppies thought of me, really. They'd both been born with a silver spoon, which to my kind meant, they didn’t know nothing from a hole in the ground. They’d both gone to college, and I was from the wrong side of the tracks. And they were both as white bread as bread can be and my folks were strictly blue collar.

Honestly, I didn't give it any mind, though Aunty Rose and Uncle Al were not so sure about me bringing the upper-class brigade home, when I asked them to have the guys over for Sunday dinner. It made sense to me, since I was the only one of us who had family in town.

Now, I didn’t care what they thought of Colby, but I held my breath when Aunty Rose pulled me to the side in the kitchen, and said, “He’s a nice boy, that blond one.”

Sure, Colby was dirty blond, but when Hutch was in the room, he was the blond one and everyone knew it.

Hutch was stunning. Aunty Rose smiled gently at me, like she would if I’d brought a lovely girl home, and it warmed my heart like nothing else. I knew then that I’d fallen in love.

But Hutch was married, with what I assumed was a society girl, and Van definitely didn’t approve of me. I figured Hutch pleased his folks left, right and center, doing all the things expected of a cultured son. I had no doubt he was the best son, the best brother, the best husband anyone could ask for. He was the best friend that I’d ever had. How could anyone not be happy to have a part of him?

My family was pretty good with me as well, probably fearing I would never amount to much, so any and every step up and away from the gutter was joyously celebrated by them. I felt loved and cherished and counted my blessings every day I was alive. I missed my mom, but Aunty Rose was without a doubt the next best thing, so most of the time I was contented. Apart from losing my dad the way I did twelve years ago, I wanted for nothing.

No amount of money or expensive schools could make what my family gave me any less than what Colby and Hutch no doubt had received from theirs. It was just simpler, with less fanfare, fewer zeroes tagged on the end, and it suited me just fine.

When I signed up for the Police Academy straight out of the Army, Uncle Al gave me a cigar and Aunty Rose called my mother to congratulate her.

Mom wasn’t nearly as happy as my Californian family, but when she got me on the phone she managed to say, “I’m proud of you, son.” I could hear her choking back some tears. She’d probably known it was either this for me after ‘Nam, or running rackets with the wrong crowd, the same hoodlums I was going to be busting from now on. She swallowed the lesser of two evils, and I loved her for it.

After what I’d seen in the war, I was all too aware of how powerless we are in the grand scheme of things. I wanted to save people, like my Dad had done. I was going to do it his way, one small little life at a time. I couldn’t wait to get fitted for my police uniform and get out there to do some good.

The Police Academy was it for me. I had no doubts, from beginning till end, even though I’d not been trained in any book learning, which was a mandatory part of the training, if I wanted to be in plain clothes in the long run. Plain clothes meant getting to solve crimes and being assigned the important cases. Even undercover work, eventually. I couldn’t wait.

The book learning was hard, though, and took up pretty much all my spare time. Of course, I hadn’t figured on meeting Hutch along the way.

Hutch was nothing like me from the looks of it, but I found out quickly that he was the same as me in all things that mattered. He was gung-ho to help people. But he was weird too. College boy. Married and stuff.

The only guys I knew who got married young, had done it because they’d knocked up a girl. But Vanessa wasn’t about to drop any baby. She didn’t seem much the nurturing type at all, and she seemed to feel I held Hutch back. Colby was tolerated, being from the right background, all golden star with his grades and of course ambitious in the way that the higher classes liked. He'd probably make it to Chief of Police someday. Maybe Hutch too, especially with his wife pushing him along.

But me, I was too small-time for her.

After a while it became clear to me that in her eyes I was all that was wrong with Hutch’s life. As if I had asked Hutch to quit pre-Law to join the Academy. Hell, if he’d asked me beforehand, I’da told him not to drop out of University. Who passes up on College? He could’ve been a lawyer or a politician. The country could use a good one for a change. But he wanted this, my life. I just couldn’t figure him.

But no one had asked me to make Hutch’s decisions for him, and I was glad he was on the same path as me. I would never push him away.

In the end, both Vanessa and Colby sorta accepted me as a third wheel. I didn’t really care. I was used to people not liking me for the color of my hair, the look on my face, or the clothes I was wearing. Army fatigues didn’t go over very well in Bay City, California in 1968. Here, they all wanted was to make love not war. And by God, I wished I could live that life.

On my Tour, all I wanted was not to get my head shot off. I bided my time until I could really start my life, hoping I would be so lucky to actually get one. A life after that insanity. But I’d made it through that, which set me up perfectly for Police work. They liked ex-army cadets.

The Academy situation with Colby and Hutch was temporary anyway, until we graduated and then we’d all find out where we'd get assigned. I sure hoped I was going to be in the same Station as Hutch.

On the night before graduation, I was supposed to stay in the dorm, but I’d decided to sleep over at my aunt and uncle’s, when the phone rang. Loudly.

It startled me out of a leisurely night without any more book learning. I’d been watching TV up in my room, with the sound on low. It was past my aunt and uncle's bedtimes, so I scrambled to get downstairs to grab the phone off the hook in the hallway, before it woke up the entire house. If it had and it wasn't a family emergency, I'd give whoever it was a verbal spanking in my best whispered angry voice.

“What?!” I grumbled into the phone, figuring it was likely for me anyway. I wouldn’t put it past Colby to drunk-dial me, or Hutch for that matter. Well, Hutch would have to be very drunk to call me here at this hour. He was a decent guy.

“Starsk?” Hutch’s throaty voice stopped me short, putting me fully on alert. He sounded defeated. Things were not okay.

“What’s going on?” I stage whispered, concern settling in my gut. I wanted to yell, but I didn't want to be guilty myself of waking my family up.

“I - uh.” Hutch was usually the most articulate one of the three of us, so that got my hairs standing up at the back of my neck.

“Tell me, buddy,” I egged him on, not noticing my world was zeroing in on him and what he needed, zoning everything else out.

“She left.” His voice croaked. He sounded **down and out**.

While I’d had my head buried deeply in text books for months on end in the dorms, trying to cram state legislation into my uncooperative brain, Hutch had spent most of his evenings appeasing his wife in their sophisticated little apartment downtown.

“Shit, man,” I said. I never said that I was the articulate one in the bunch.

“Yeah.” He sounded a bit relieved at my voice, so maybe he didn’t need articulation, maybe he just needed his pal, his buddy. All for one and one for all, right?

“Is Colby there?” I asked, hoping the answer was no.

“She just left,” he said, by way of answer. That was a no, then. “The place is a mess.”

“Want me over?” I asked. Did I have to ask anymore? Vanessa was gone now. New parameters. I made the decision for him. “I’m coming over.”

“Yeah,” Hutch whispered, sounding **weary, small** , and hung up.

I was out the door and in my car before I’d realized I’d not even bothered to leave a note for Aunty Rose. It should’ve said, ‘gone to help a friend.’

I was glad I didn’t, because that so didn’t cover it.

 

~~~~

 

I’d never had a friend like Hutch.

He was always **on my side** , and I never knew why. Sure, we had the Three Corsicans thing going which was great. Like army buddies, except this wasn’t the Army, and Colby definitely wasn’t my choice of buddy. But Hutch was, and he came with baggage. Colby was one, Vanessa was another - both immovable objects that I had to accept if I wanted to be near Hutch.

And I truly wanted Hutch. Full on wanted, wet dreams, wake up panting for him wanted. Course, I would never tell him that. Things weren’t that way between us, and I wasn’t going to rock the boat.

Instead of giving in to my **dreams, when the darkness came, when times got rough, I was on his side**. That was the gift I hadn’t bargained for when I’d laid it all on the line, choosing to sign up with the Police Academy.

Who coulda known Hutch would happen to me?

Now **he needed a friend** , and I’d be there for him, damnit. And as I drove, in the dark of night, I was selfishly hoping he hadn’t phoned Colby too.

 

~~~~

 

The door to the small, elegant apartment was open into the hallway. I shook my head. Hutch had this way of still acting all country-style, or mid-west, or whatever. What does a big city boy like me know what they did in his circles? Sometimes I thought Hutch had no notion of those dividers between the classes at all, but his wife did. She’d let me know in all the unspoken ways that someone can look down on someone else. If that’s what Hutch wanted, then that would’ve been fine. His choice. But she didn’t seem to fit with him in any way at all. I had stopped trying to figure out their mysterious union.

Well, you can’t be the boss over love, can you?

No, I shook my head, knowing firsthand how stupidly inconvenient love could be. I sure wasn’t boss over my unfortunate, but treasured feelings for Hutch.

“Hutch?” I called from the doorway, and there he was already. As I took one step into the upended living room, he grabbed me in a hug. Within two seconds I realized I was needily coaxed into holding him, as he sighed heavily, like he’d run a marathon that had wiped him out.

No tears. Not yet. God, I wish he did cry. Bawl it out, right here in my arms. Maybe then we wouldn’t have to talk about it. What the hell was I supposed to say about his wife leaving?

That I felt sorry for him? Yes, but only for his feelings. She’d been wrong for him from the start and I was so relieved to see the back of her, that I didn’t even dare to open my mouth. My policy had been, the less I could mention Van, the better, and I saw no need to change that now. If Hutch wanted to talk, he’d talk.

“Starsk,” Hutch mumbled in between unhappy sighs. Nothing else was coming from him, it looked like. His muscles were trembling, and I felt the desperate pressure he was putting into the embrace. He was just holding on to me for dear life.

My mind started swimming giddily as I was holding him, having him draped against and over me, right here standing just past the doorway. His full body slotted perfectly against me, while he was clutching me ever tighter and I loved it. I was a damned selfish bastard, but how I loved it.

I told myself sternly, I had to get a grip. Hutch came first.

“You gonna be okay, buddy,” I whispered into a closely cropped head of beautiful blond silk, as per Academy regulations, just as Van had liked it.

Hutch was losing some of his hurt tension and threatened to crumble. I was nicely pumped up with muscles from the Academy gym, but holding up a taller man who was about to turn into a sack of sand was another matter.

“Let’s get you inside, big guy. Couch.”

He pushed the brunt of his weight back up on his own legs and pulled away. He simpered sheepishly, as if he’d let himself go too much. “Yeah. Sorry, buddy.” He looked back to the disheveled room, and I immediately saw the problem.

All the furniture was vaguely where it was supposed to be, but it looked like all Hutch’s belongings had been launched out of their normal resting places to the other side of the apartment. The couch was covered with books, candles, clothes and even the plants had fallen over, spilling dirt everywhere.

Who the hell would have a temper tantrum on a houseplant?

I was relieved beyond measure that this was the end of Vanessa.

“I’ll help,” I told him, quickly brushing past Hutch and starting to straighten out the plants first, then the books, stacking them up against walls, and then shook out the various bits of clothing. I just put them all over one chair. There was no use in folding them. Half probably had to be washed anyway, what with the dirt and mayhem. I buzzed around looking for a vacuum cleaner, and found one in a small closet in the bedroom.

When I came out into the living room, Hutch was suddenly blocking my way. “Please don’t.”

“The dirt will get into the couch. You can’t use it this way,” I tried to hustle past him, to make him a comfortable spot to at least put his butt down and stop. Rest.

“I made coffee,” he said, as if that explained everything. “Let’s just have it in the bedroom, okay?”

The place only had a small open plan lounge-kitchen, a bathroom and a bedroom. There was a tiny table in there with a chair, probably for Vanessa to pretty herself up in the morning. There were no visible girly items anywhere around, so I guessed the bedroom was okay.

I put the vacuum down. “Coffee sounds great. I’ll finish later.”

It occurred to me I’d never vacuumed for anyone but my mom and Aunty Rose before. Or ever tidied up anyone else’s house. It hadn’t even felt strange while I’d been on mission for Hutch’s comfort, but it suddenly struck me when I was handed the cup of coffee and steered to the bedroom.

This wasn’t anyone else, this was Hutch. None of the rules for anyone else applied here. I didn’t know when Hutch had become a category all to his own in my life, but somewhere along the line, that’s exactly what had happened. I sipped my coffee thoughtfully, noticing he’d made it perfectly how I liked it. I knew that I was okay with it all.

Hutch was special. We were special together, even if no one would ever know. I knew.

Hutch sat down on the bed, leaving me the chair. I didn’t like the idea of sitting on Vanessa’s chair, so I opted to sit next to him on the bed. I refused to think about the fact that half of that bed had been Vanessa’s too. If I started to think along those lines, I’d want to bolt and Hutch needed me right now. Whether the answer was cleaning his place, holding him, or sitting on a bed with Van-cooties, I’d do it because he needed me.

“Thanks, Starsk,” Hutch whispered hoarsely after a minute of silently sipping my perfect cup of coffee.

“’s Nothin’,” I told him.

He shook his head, staring at the wall. “It’s everything.”

I didn’t quite know what he meant. “ **I'll take your part** , no matter what. You know that, Hutch.”

His face curled into a knowing, painful smile. “Van really hates you.”

“I know.” Like I said, that wasn’t news.

“I mean, she really hates you.”

How much hate could a woman fit into her day?

“She thinks you’re pulling me **on the street** with you. Mixing with the low lives, instead getting a law degree to start a life of defending rich people who’re defrauding other rich people.”

Yeah, I pretty much knew Van blamed me for everything under the sun.

“Like I could ever live that life,” Hutch sighed.

“You tried,” I said. I hadn’t been there for it, but three years of Pre-Law had kept Hutch out of Nam at any rate. Marrying Van would’ve helped with that too. I idly wondered if that was why he’d married her.

Hutch continued, almost like he was talking to himself. “Not hard enough, according to her. Y’know what she said today?”

Of course, I didn’t.

“She didn’t want to be a beat cop’s wife. She didn’t want to wait by the phone, without any status, any parties. She said I had trashed our future.”

His soulful eyes settled on mine all of a sudden, making me part of all this, shedding his **pain all around** us.

 _Please don’t involve me, Hutch,_ I begged silently. I could drown in him, in his life, his needs. I could **fall so hard** if I let myself right now. I had to hold on, for both our sakes.

Hutch continued, clearly needing to talk. “She wants my jet-set family, not me. She doesn’t give a damn about what we’re trying to do, that we’re going to be touching lives that need it. Saving people.”

There. That was what it was about. Vanessa didn’t care about saving people. Any people. She didn’t even give a flying leap about Hutch. I despised her more in that moment than I ever had before.

“Hutch,” I said, giving this a lot of thought while he commanded most of my attention with his sky-blue eyes. “Wanna go get smashed?”

He chuckled in a startled, jarred out of abject misery type of way. “Pissing drunk, yes please.”

“Roaring, belting out sailor songs drunk,” I confirmed, smiling at his ability to role with the punches.

“What about Graduation?”

I shrugged. “All we really need to do tomorrow is get into our dress uniforms and stand up straight when they call our names. I can do that in my sleep. You?”

“Take me to your favorite hole, Officer Starsky.”

“That’d be Huggy’s.”

I hadn’t taken Hutch there yet, because I kinda liked it there. In his down time, Hutch had always been either with Van or with Colby, and I wasn’t interested in sharing the Pits with either one of them. This place was just mine for the moment. The proprietor Huggy was a tad shady, but had his heart in the right place, and we’d hit it off.

Colby wasn’t here and Van was gone.

Yes, tonight would be a good time to take Hutch to get smashed at Huggy’s.

 

~~~~

 

The bed was shaking, the room was spinning and I was sure I was about two minutes away from barfing my guts out.

Huggy had been awesome and he’d been more than willing to mix whatever we’d asked him to and then some. Granted that it’d been a bad idea to mix liquors and beers in an increasingly incoherent way, but I had not had so much fun with Hutch since - well, never. In fact, I’d never gone drinking with him alone before.

Last night had been a release for him, that was clear, but for me. It had been my first time basking in Hutch’s full attention. I had eagerly sucked it up and never wanted it to stop.

After a while the room stopped spinning, my stomach settled somewhat, convincing me that I might not need to pray to the porcelain god. My eyes were starting to get used to the morning light streaming into the messy, but clean room. I remembered wielding the vacuum after returning to the apartment, ignoring Hutch’s protests about the neighbors and the time of night. In retrospect, I shoulda listened, but at the time it seemed important to get the place in a usable state.

Damn, the bed was still shaking. I rolled over and was faced with Hutch’s lily white back. His head was buried in his pillow away from me, and it was Hutch who was shaking the bed.

“You gonna up chuck?” I asked.

No answer, so I crawled a little closer. He was gasping into the pillow.

“Hutch,” I choked as I realized he was fighting to cry without making a sound. I put a hand on his shoulder. “I’m here, babe,” I told him.

In a quick **silver** move, he turned over, and grabbed onto me, rolling me on top of him as he let his emotions go. He sobbed into my shoulder, wailing at the top of his lungs, breaking my heart. I just held him close while he let out his pain, squeezing him as tightly as I could. He was gripping me hard, arms around my back, pressing me down on him.  
“Let it out, babe,” I whispered.

Breathing was for later, Hutch was in need. He could have my all.

I realized I was only wearing briefs, and that was all he was wearing.

He needed me.

I wanted him.

I had him.

I knew he’d never be mine.

But I’d be there for him, no matter what.

Eventually, Hutch quieted down, the tears slowly stopping. I could feel him put the lid back onto the pressure pot that was Hutch. That’s what I’d learned about him in this past year. He was always in control.

He rolled me to his side, but didn’t let go. We were suddenly making intimate eye contact. We’d never been this close except for fight training.

I noticed Hutch was studying me.

“Better?” I asked.

“Yeah,” he said softly, as if not to disturb the magic.

The fact that my head was pounding, my stomach was reconsidering a quick exit and I was possibly lying on Vanessa’s side of the bed, all disappeared in the face of his tear streaked gaze holding me where I was, feeling nothing but Hutch. Only Hutch.

“Good,” I said.

He was so close, I could see the little cracks in his lips, observe the pale eyebrows, and contemplate how striking Hutch was. I probably wasn’t the first guy lusting after him, seeing his gorgeous looks. He must’ve been downright jailbait when he was younger. God knows I’d had my share of indecent proposals and I wasn’t anything like the Viking prince that Hutch was.

“Yesterday was rough,” he whispered. “Thanks for being there.”

“Anytime,” I told him.

I had to tell him what he meant to me. After today, after graduation, we might never see each other again. He could get stationed with Colby somewhere. I could get placed totally somewhere else. And they say, you lose contact, get swept up in your job, your life. I didn’t want that to happen.

“Let’s do it again sometime,” I offered. “Huggy’s, I mean.”

“Okay.” Hutch seemed confused but happy at my suggestion.

“I don’t want this to be over,” I said, even less coherently. “I mean, with graduating and all.”

“They won’t break up the Three Corsicans,” Hutch said confidently.

Damn. Colby again. I’m not taking him to Huggy’s. Then again, I would probably have to, now.

“I hope you’re right, Hutch. But if they do, they’ll send me somewhere else for sure, what with your grades and Colby’s.”

“John’s grades’re off the charts,” Hutch nodded.

“So’re yours,” I reminded him. “You two will go somewhere, have a quick rocket rise career, and out of uniform in no time.”

Hutch pulled his free arm up to touch my cheek. That was a surefire method to make me shut up with the shock of such a gentle touch.

“I’m not going anywhere without you,” he said, surprisingly sincerely.

I was drowning in his ice water eyes, his fingers brushing my cheek, and feeling his legs intertwined with mine. I was in his bed, for Christ sake!

“Hutch?” I said, working up the courage to follow my heart, to break taboo, to possibly break our entire friendship. “Listen-”

The phone rang.

I’m not shitting you. The phone rang.

Hutch held my gaze for a few more seconds while it rang again, and then rolled back over to reach for the night stand.

“Yeah!” No doubt he was bracing for Vanessa. “Oh, John, hey.”

Damn, it was Colby.

I felt exposed. The sunlight was full on into the room now, and the clock said it was well past eight. I looked around for my jeans.

“We’ll be there, don’t worry,” Hutch was coordinating with Colby. “Listen, John, I have something- Oh. What? You’re kidding.”

I had no idea what was going on, but I used the respite from my love confession to get my clothes on, while I let my adrenalin subside. I had just been about to make the stupidest move of my entire life. And it was Colby of all people who had saved me from certain, self-destructive doom.

I quickly fled to the kitchen to start our coffee brewing, and looked around for aspirin, so I could evade the rest of the conversation. I was in no mood for hearing from the guy who was going to see Hutch every day from now on.

I slammed a kitchen cabinet a little loudly after finding mugs, frustrated at no trace of aspirin.

“You okay?” Hutch was suddenly standing beside me, as if I was the one with the problem.

“Pain killers?”

“Bathroom,” he said.

Of course. I could’ve come up with that, without a hangover and without feeling like an idiot. Without just about everything that was going on right now. I frantically wanted it all to be some other way. Anything but this.

“Guess what John just told me,” Hutch called out when I ducked into the bathroom. It was right there, in the cabinet above the sink, just as it should be. I grabbed the whole bottle.

“I’m too hung over to guess, Hutch,” I told him grumpily as I reemerged and snatched the fragrant, steaming coffee mug he was holding up for me.

“He’s not going to be stationed with us.”

That stopped me in my tracks, aspirin in one hand, hot mug in the other. “He’s not?”

“He just told me he’s just signed on to the Airforce.”


	2. CHAPTER 2: Cops

Helen and me could fill a thick, heartrending romance novel, the kind Mom read.

Not heartrending anymore, I bemoaned. As of an hour ago, it was over. Done.

I was feeling sick to my stomach, like I had to throw up, but I knew it wasn’t anything physical. Five years on the Force’d taught me there were all sorts of reasons to have your stomach making nauseating flip flops, but knowing all that didn’t make me feel better.

I had a whole goddamned bottle of whisky. If I was gonna drown my sorrows, then I would at least drown them in something decent. But I was in my car, and I was clearheaded enough to know that the two didn’t combine very well.

I couldn’t go home where she’d slept in my bed, cooked in my kitchen and showered in my bathroom far too many times in the past year.

I couldn’t go to Huggy’s. I didn’t want to talk, I didn’t want to explain, and I didn’t want to be recognized while I got falling down drunk.

When I looked up I realized I was at Hutch’s place. My internal automatic pilot must have taken me there, because I hadn’t planned it. My car was parked in Hutch’s empty spot at the waterside, his condo all dark, and Hutch wasn’t home.

I really should call him, say something. But what?

‘I failed, Hutch, I couldn’t keep us together.’

I’d rather ram the Torino into the Pits than confess my disappointment in myself, though I knew eventually I’d have to tell Hutch. 

I should just drive home, drown my sorrows there, not here sitting in Hutch’s parking spot.

I looked at his gently cared for, tiny house, that he’d moved into after his divorce from Vanessa. He’d truly made it his own. In there was Hutch’s couch, Hutch’s shower, Hutch’s plants. And his bed - must not forget his bed.

I knew I should go far away from here, to any of a gazillion other places, but my arms involuntarily reached for the exit handle, and my legs walked me over to his front door. I had a key, I’d always had a key. Not that Hutch made it hard to get into his place, but I liked having my own key. I clutched it hard, trying to ground myself to it, to the solidity of the little house, to the door I was about to open and the bitter sweet haven that lay beyond that threshold.

I walked in and smelled Hutch.

Tears were springing in my eyes, cursing myself for being overly emotional. I should cry over Helen, but I wasn’t there yet. But maybe I could take this moment to stealthily cry over Hutch, seeing as he wasn’t here. I actually felt maudlin enough for that, no booze needed, thanks.

I sat down on his couch, put my unopened bottle down on floor and grasped a throw pillow that smelled of Hutch close to me, all the while still holding his key in the palm of my hand. I was shamelessly wrapping myself in Hutch’s space and I was so glad he wasn’t here. For once, I could wallow in my every-present but unspoken feelings for him and I could do it where I wanted to be most of all.

I wept into the pillow, with Hutch’s name on my lips, feeling the weight of years of denial surface. I bawled freely until I could feel the tears and urgency subside. The pressure had been let out, relieving the ache that had been building for years. As it subsided a little, I noticed I could feel my love for him better now, more clearly. I sighed deeply. I hadn’t expected that loving him could ever feel unencumbered, even if it was only for now when he wasn’t here, I found such joy in it, that thick tears leaked from my eyes at the discovery of it.

I could still sense Hutch all around me as I grew quiet. I felt sleep tug at me and I lay down, the Hutch-pillow firmly clutched to my stomach.

The darkness in the room soothed me, the couch hugged me, and I let oblivion claim me.

“Starsk?”

Hutch was right there. Or was it a dream?

“Starsky?”

When I opened my eyes, he was setting my cherished bottle of forgetfulness out of the way.

Okay, he was real. “What’cha doin’ here, Hutch?” I asked, drowsily.

He flipped on a light in the kitchen, not the big one overhead. It felt very late.

“It’s my place, remember, buddy?” he said with cheerful tones made of velvet. I knew he was concerned about me, from that mother-hen sweetness in his voice.

“You got a point,” I conceded, when I became aware that I had actually crashed Hutch’s place after all my good intentions not to.

He moved around a bit doing householdy things, and came to sit by me with a glass of ice water, which he offered to me.

“Thanks.” I pushed myself upright, and found that I still had the Hutch-pillow in my lap, guarded tightly by my left arm that just refused to let go.

My other arm would deal with the water, or any other needs that might arise.

Hutch was just looking at me while I sipped the icy liquid.

“You’re not drunk,” he said.

“You oughta be a detective,” I told him.

“Did you come by to celebrate?” he asked, clearly at a loss.

“Celebrate?” What the hell was there to celebrate? My failure as a man, for being unable to work through relationship problems with the kindest, smartest, prettiest woman alive?

Okay, maybe Helen wasn’t exactly all those things, but she was my shot at the white picket fence, at having kids, at being something more to another human being.

She looked so goddamn much like Hutch. Her hair, her complexion, her eyes. If Hutch’d been a girl, that’s what he would’ve looked like. And she was a crack cop, like Hutch. Her Lieutenant had actively backed her on many occasions, something Hutch and I could only dream of with Dobey.

I’d had no choice but to fall for her, hard. And I’d fought for her, just as hard.

“From the bottle, I figured maybe you and Helen had some good news,” he smiled, his whole attitude oozing love and joy for his partner’s happiness. Hutch had no idea how wrong he was.

“She didn’t want me,” I confessed bitterly. “I tried, Hutch. It’s over.”

Hutch’s face froze, looking completely stunned. “What?”

“I wasn’t good enough,” I admitted, feeling new, different waterworks pressing behind my eyes, but I fought them back. These were self-pity tears over Helen, and I wasn’t ready to give in to them yet. “Maybe I didn’t love her enough.” I wanted it to be a question. I wanted Hutch to be the oracle to give me the ultimate truth. “What did I do wrong, Hutch?”

“Are you serious?” Hutch seemed to take his time taking it in. “You’re telling me she dumped you?”

Now I did want that bottle. Hutch didn’t know why Helen did what she did, and why would he? It’d all happened tonight, and I hadn’t spoken to anyone yet.

I shrugged, trying to put it all together for Hutch, but it started to come out in a jumble. “I must’ve really sucked at, like, everything. The almost-living together, the fighting, the making up, the dreams of a future together.” I didn’t know how else to explain it all. “I was just not good enough. She just told me it was over, and left.”

Hutch sat down next to me on the couch and exclaimed to the rest of the house. “Is she fucking insane?”

Hutch really only rarely swore, having been raised right side of the tracks and all. I’d adjusted my language when we’d partnered up, figuring some of his cultured ways would rub off on me and make me a better person.

I had nothing cultured of my own to come back with, what with Hutch blatantly swearing. So I just stared at him.

Hutch shook his head and buried it in his hands for a moment.

I didn’t want to sit there dumbstruck for too long. “Whaddayamean?” Hey, one word is better than none.

“Starsky,” Hutch’s voice was muffled by his own arms and longish hair, but I could still clearly hear the exasperation.

He’d probably go for a haircut again soon and I always grumbled when he did. The half-long hair was just stunning on him.

“You gotta know you didn’t suck, Starsk,” Hutch said, finally.

I could honestly say that I had no idea whether I sucked or not at relationships, because I’d had so few that’d had of any sort of real meaning.

Personally, I was okay with both guys and gals, but relationship-wise I limited myself to women, so I could keep my job and have a decent life and a career. So wanting Hutch was out of the question. Hutch was out of the question for many reasons. But since I had this walking blond tower of perfection at my side almost twenty-four-seven, who could ever measure up?

I didn’t want a bimbo. There were plenty of those for the pickings. I wanted a partner, someone to tackle life with, head on. Someone real, someone who understood what was important, and someone who could see right through me.

Helen was smart, that’s why I liked her. Maybe she saw right through me too.

Cause, God help me, I still wanted Hutch.

“I probably just wasn’t right for her, Hutch. I think she knew it, and that’s why she left.”

He shook his head belligerently and got off the couch, trotted to the kitchen area again and leaned defiantly against the counter.

“Any woman who says you’re not good enough, Starsk,” Hutch started as a threat, but he didn’t finish. He just shook his head, letting his perfect golden hair wave about.

At that moment, I realized I probably wasn’t ever going to be right for any woman. I was always going to want Hutch too, no matter how off-limits he was. In my heart, he was always there. For five years now, and I didn’t see an end in sight.

I tried to make him understand, “Maybe I didn’t love her how I should, or-”

“Will you shut up!” Hutch growled angrily, like he’d run out of patience. Eyes ablaze, he looked like he was about to hurl my whiskey bottle across the room, but he didn’t move from his spot in the kitchen, as if he didn’t want to be near me when he was enraged.

I was too flabbergasted to continue explaining, so yeah, I aborted the whole train of thought I’d been on. Something else was bugging him, and clearly, he wasn’t handling it very well.

“What the hell, Hutch?”

Hutch had an impressive temper, but it rarely came out. I just hadn’t figured that tonight of all nights would be when it reared its slightly unnerving head.

He stalked across the room again, as if he were trying to stay far away from me. That was probably for the best, so he wouldn’t start physically attacking me. I recognized that caged tiger glint in his sky-blue eyes.

How had all this suddenly been turned around on me? I hadn’t come here to be yelled at by my best friend, for Christ’s sake.

“Don’t you start on me too, Hutch,” I warned. “I’m not gonna stick around just to have another damned fight with the one other person I love!” I shot up off the couch and grabbed the bottle now that he wasn’t anywhere near it anymore.

It was best to get out of here. I seized the key that I’d gone to sleep with off the couch and set course for the door.

I was unfortunately still totally sober, so I was A-Okay to drive, and after I’d driven, probably to Huggy’s, I intended to change that status with a vengeance. I vaguely wondered why I even bothered to get my bottle, cause Huggy’s would be serving me his carefully doctored swill, just the way I liked it.

“See ya, partner. Thanks for nothin’.” I yanked the door open, and suddenly, Hutch’s arm was blocking my way, followed swiftly by his leg, his very long leg. Then his whole body was preventing me from leaving.

“Hutch,” I growled, not interested in whatever it was he wanted, needed or was going to say. “Get out of my way or so help me.”

He moved closer, stifling me with his body. One arm went around my back, the other around my head.

“What the-?” I tried again, but I started to get the notion that Hutch’d gone non-verbal for the moment. What he’d said before hadn’t made much sense, and he seemed to have gotten the message that I wasn’t appreciating his tone.

He pulled me closer, gently, questioningly, and there we were, chest to chest, cheek to cheek.

Oh my God, Hutch was hugging me.

Full on, no holds barred, body-hug.

“No,” I protested, but only feebly. I needed to get out, get away from him, but my body didn’t care how we’d gotten here, it didn’t move out of Hutch’s arms. “I don’t deserve it. And you certainly don’t deserve it.” I was angry, I wanted to fling him off me and get the hell out of there, away from those strong arms, the sweet smell of his hair and the tender touch of his fingers on the back of my neck.

“You are enough,” he whispered, breath brushing my ear, ruffling my hair. His silky voice was making my insides tremble and it wasn’t from anger this time.

My mind was flashing danger signs. I wanted Hutch this close, I wanted this hug to be for real. I wanted Hutch to whisper sweet nothings in my ear, while I lost myself in his scent.

No, no, no. Don’t go there. Don’t get soapy on me now, when I’d been holding it all together so well. I had my plan with Huggy and half his supply of rotgut already worked out. Hutch hugging me tenderly wasn’t part of the scenario.

“Whatever she did, whatever she does has nothing to do with you,” Hutch continued to whisper, while he kept on holding me, and I felt myself giving into the warmth of his genuine human touch. This was real, but it was also confusing and messed up.

“How do you know?” I asked, brain becoming semi-functional.

He chuckled into my hair, ducking his face into the crook of my neck for a second there, before answering. “Because I know you, you dirtball.”

Hutch’s embrace was turning impossibly more sweet, more gentle. It was filled with empathy and caring, all his rage out of view now. And it was turning me on.

Shit!

“You don’t know me, Hutch,” I tried to confess. “Not really.”

“No?” He pulled away far enough so our noses were less than two inches apart, my head tilting slightly upward, like some male, gay, curly haired Scarlett O’Hara. I would’ve laughed if I hadn’t been so absorbed in the reality of where I was and who I was with.

I nearly drowned in those swimming-pool blues of his, not to mention the godlike blond eyelashes. I had a hard time catching my next breath.

“I know more than you think, Starsk,” he purred.

I’m sure he didn’t actually purr, but God, it felt like it. I had trouble keeping track of anything we were saying.

“I know you wanted kids,” he whispered. “She was your ticket. That’s why you put up with the fighting.”

Man, he smelled good. I nodded, wordlessly, more to the sound of his voice than the actual words.

Hutch was still talking, and he talked so well, my knees were shaking. “You’re not looking for that kind of a relationship, Starsk. That’s just not you, not really. I know we fight-”

I found that on some functional level I could still follow what he was saying and busted in quickly. “That’s different, Hutch.”

Fighting with Hutch wasn’t hard, making up took seconds, sometimes we didn’t need to make up. It just wasn’t the same as with Helen.

“I know that too,” Hutch’s voice hummed right through to my bones, his head inching forward.

He was so close, my groin was so full, and insanity must’ve taken over, as I bridged the gap of a few eighths of an inch and touched his lips with mine. Warm lips welcomed me and I paused, just focusing on the feeling, the actual touching and nothing else existed for a few seconds, or a minute, I had no idea.

Then my eager mouth opened slightly of its own accord, tenderly inviting him in. When I felt his tongue touching my lips, the spell of total abandonment that I’d been allowing myself burst into stark reality.

I was kissing Hutch! I’d wanted this for so long, but never even considered it just happening. I still wanted it, but I was ruining my life at the same time. And not just mine. I couldn’t do that to Hutch or to us.

I pushed myself out of his embrace, and shoved him away enough to make it out the door. The damage had been done, but I could at least get myself away from him. This was not what he’d partnered up with me for. I’d lost both people I loved, all in one night.

The bottle fell into the grass and I launched myself at the Torino, got in in record time and reversed out of there like a bat out of Hell.


	3. CHAPTER 3: Partners

Huggy’s rotgut was especially potent tonight. But by the time I’d ordered the third one, I didn’t care much what came next, just as long as they kept them coming.

The cute waitress had suggested some food, which I’d refused. I was really not hungry. And instead of the sitting at the bar, as per normal, I’d ensconced myself in the darkest little booth in the Pits, where I was out of sight, out of mind for most of the patrons. The bar meant talking. I didn’t want to talk. After the events of tonight, I was seriously done talking.

And kissing.

Oh my God, what had I done?

Next to my third tumbler of gold, liquid forgetfulness, a plate of chili fries appeared.

I pushed it back and a dark hand stopped me. I looked up at Huggy’s sympathetic face. “A man’s gotta eat,” he said simply.

Okay, so I hadn’t eaten all night, probably not since lunch, or breakfast. Who could keep count with the day that I’d had?

“Really?” I questioned him.

“A broken heart takes it right outa ya,” he informed me.

“Does it?”

And how the hell did he know about Helen? Well, it was Huggy. If it happened, he’d know about it ten seconds later.

“At least until big and blond gets here to take care of ya,” he added.

I’d exposed so much of myself, of my secrets tonight, that I almost felt that one more couldn’t hurt. “Not sure if he’ll be showing up ever again, Hug,” I lamented. Damn, my throat was clenching up. Not good.

I should probably get home, but I couldn’t go there, what with the scent of Helen all over my apartment. And I couldn’t go to Hutch’s either anymore. Like ever.

“I screwed it all up, Hug,” I pushed out with a constricted voice.

He looked at me with is deep brown eyes, like he had the wisdom of the ages. “There ain’t nothin’ you can do to that man, that will make him stop lovin’ you.”

One tear escaped, despite my best efforts. “I think I just crossed that **bridge**. I mean, big **trouble** , Hug.”

“You rape his sister?” he asked with a high pitch that threw me off.

“No.”

“Mug his mother? Kill his father?”

“C’mon, Hug!”

“Well, then there ain’t no **trouble** that you can’t **bridge** , my friend. White Bread worships the ground you walk on. **All your dreams are on their way** , baby.”

“I wish, Hug.” Despite myself, he’d managed to coax a smile out of me.

“Now, eat. And go make up.”

“Thanks. Hey, Hug,” I asked, brain kicking slightly into gear. “Isn’t that from that Paul Simon song?”

“Yeah, man. You started with the **bridges** and the **troubles**. I ain’t one for passing up a righteous lyrical simile. ‘Sides. Simon and Garfunkel rock something fierce for a coupla Jewish white dudes from New York.”

“I’m a Jewish white dude from New York,” I told him, not that that was news to him.

“You alright too, curly. Why’d you think I’m bringing you fries, up close and in person?”

He yelped in his extravagant Huggy way to accentuate point, and went back to his proprietary duties.

I found the smile was still on my face and I felt blessed to have Huggy in my life. I closed my eyes, sighed deeply, believing that without Helen, I might just survive.

But without Hutch?

That just hurt too much to think about.

I opened my eyes and reached for the fries, where long, slender and decidedly non-Huggy type fingers were waiting for me. I looked up at Hutch, and it seemed like he’d grown a foot since I saw him last. For a second there it looked like he had halo over his head, but it was just his amazing, sun touched hair catching the lights in this dark corner booth.

I found had serious problems swallowing.

“Can I sit?” he asked, face and voice in neutral.

I scooted over automatically. He moved in tightly on the small bench, as two grown men didn’t seem to fit in the tiny booth. I realized I had goofed by scooting over in the first place, inviting him in close. He could’ve sat on the other bench, far away from me. Damn.

Hutch started to play with the fries, purposefully engrossing himself in twirling and squishing them, and pointedly avoiding looking at me.

“You’re freaked out,” I blurted out, unceremoniously.

He stopped mid-play.

I’d’ve been subtler if I hadn’t already had two and half slugs of moonshine on an empty stomach, but as it was, I was unstoppable in my self-destruction. “You want out,” I provided. Knowing it was the booze that had loosened my tongue didn’t seem to change anything. In a way that made it easier to state the truth, even if I hated every word I uttered. But my heart ached to have the truth all out in the open at last. It cried to be seen, even if it would be scorned for it.

Hutch was not responding, not engaging, nothing. I suppose it was better than the yelling that Helen did, but I knew I couldn’t take the silent treatment from Hutch in the long run.

“Don’t worry, Hutch,” I told him, not knowing what my next words would be. “I’ll file for a new partner in the morning.” After I’d said it, I found I meant it. Maybe I could transfer to San Francisco or New York. Mom would love having me back.

Then Hutch broke the silence. “Did you split up over me?” he asked finally, still avoiding looking at me, and a wistful expression on his face.

“What?”

He finally turned to me and our eyes met, pinning me to the seat as securely as cuffs would’ve. “I need to know if I was the reason,” he said, calmly.

I could see no fire of anger in his eyes. Possibly some worry. Though he was a bit fuzzy around the edges there, even up close, so I wasn’t putting much stock into my own observational skills just now.

“You? No,” I said. “She doesn’t know about - about you.” I tried not to say it out loud but it still felt like a confession.

It was a confession.

“So you and Helen,” Hutch prodded, driving me up the wall with anxiety over how cool, calm and collected he was acting.

I wanted to yell: this ain’t a grocery list! Or a case. This is my life.

“It’s over?” he asked slowly, letting the volume in his voice drop off. There was hubbub at Huggy’s this time of evening, but we were huddled close in our little nook, and I could hear Hutch perfectly. Hell, I could read his lips, his eyes and track his every move.

I just stared at him. He seemed to correctly take that as a yes.

“Cause I need to know if there’s room for me,” he whispered, setting my blood on fire.

“Room?” I seemed to have been reduced to idiotic responses. I had to admit that the rest of the place was spinning slightly. Hutch wasn’t though, he was solid as a rock, which was great.

“Are you smashed?” he asked.

“Kinda.” I lifted my tumbler. “Third.”

Hutch pointed at the lukewarm fries. “Hence the enticements from Huggy?”

“Hence,” I repeated, making myself giggle stupidly.

“Okay, let’s get you some real food,” he gestured the ‘two burgers with the works, extra onions on Starsky’s’ hand signal to Huggy behind the bar, who flagged the order through to the kitchen.

That one act right there made me believe I hadn’t lost him forever, maybe.

I put my hand on his, when he turned back to me. He didn’t pull away, and the touch burned through me on an emotional level that was too massive to ignore.

“I always got room for you, Hutch,” I knew it didn’t come out right. “That’s all I ever wanted.” Again, not quite the nail on the head.

He used his other hand to brush my cheek. “I sure hope you’ll remember this,” he whispered as he moved in, bridging the gap between us.

Then he kissed me.

He kissed me.

I felt my eyes slid closed, and the world disappeared as his lips were touching mine. A gentle probing of his tongue was asking for permission to enter. I parted my lips and met his tongue, trying to register how he tasted with everything going on at the same time, in my head, in my veins and in my heart.

He slowly ended the kiss and pulled away, hand still caressing my cheek. I knew no burger could ever top that. Nor could Helen.

“I’ll remember,” I promised.

He laughed. “You say that now.”

“Hutch,” I grabbed his jacket insistently. “I’ll remember.”

He nodded, probably to placate me. It was alright, it was a start. It was Hutch not running away from me. It was a possible future. My God, I couldn’t even think about all the possibilities that could be in our future.

“Babe,” he said, turning deadly serious. “I didn’t want to interfere. I know you wanted to make it work with her. With Helen.” He waited, while I stared, trying to process what he was saying. “You know, kids.”

“You knew?”

He dipped his head briefly. “Like I said. I know you.”

“So I was fucking using her,” I realized, words tumbling out with my emotions unchecked.

“Did you love her?” he asked.

“Yeah, I really did. Still do.”

“And I know you were serious about building a life with her,” he said.

I was. “I didn’t expect perfection, Hutch. I wanted her to feel she could be herself with me.”

“That’s why she’s the idiot for cutting you loose,” he said.

“So you’re saying you were rooting for us?”

“For you,” he adjusted. “Yeah.” He sighed, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment. “You gotta remember, **I'll** always **take your part**. Against her, against anyone who’ll hurt you. If it’s a wife you want, **I'm on your side** , all the way. And **when times get rough** , I hope you’ll come to me.”

My head was spinning for wholly different reasons than alcohol now. My whole life had just taken a one-eighty, in the last five minutes.

Hutch was giving me choices I didn’t know I had before.

“I’ve always known you wanted kids, Starsk,” he whispered so low, like it was a painful confession. “That’s why I never said anything.”

I didn’t think I could ever be more in love with this beautiful man than I was at this moment.

“When Van left me, I-” He faltered, voice breaking.

I pulled at his jacket, forcing him to move closer to me. “Me too,” I whispered. “I wanted you, I wanted to say something. You were hurting so much, though.”

“And now you - Helen.” He pushed my third shot away. “And booze. Where are those burgers?” he said randomly, nervously.

“Nothing will change me wanting you, Hutch. Sober, drunk, injured, heartbroken. Helen is a memory, if-”

“If?”

I pressed through the last inch that separated us and kissed him, full, hard. Marking my territory, not caring we were in a semi-public place, and grateful for the dark corner I’d chosen to hide in.

“If you’ll have me,” I said when I finally let go of his incredibly tasty lips.

“What about-” He was expecting me to read his mind, and of course I did.

“Kids?” I sighed, sensing my jumbled-up emotions all coming together to make one perfect picture. I reveled in the fact that I could talk to him now, for real, knowing I was accepted. “Hutch, I been to Nam. I know life ain’t perfect, and sometimes the best you can hope for is another day without getting a body part shot off.”

“I’m sorry,” he croaked.

I brushed a frown away from his forehead. “I’ve also been lucky enough to make it as a cop. I get to save lives every single day, make things a little better, just a little. That’s a good life, Hutch. And I get to do it with the man I love.”

He grabbed my shoulders and pulled me to him, like he was Rhett Butler himself.

I whispered before he could go in for the kill, “Nothing can top that.”

It was enough.

 

[ _the end_ ]


End file.
